Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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