So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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