oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
