Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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