I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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