I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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