I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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