Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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