just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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