I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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