i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
