Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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