Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
