At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
