I am puke
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
