Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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