So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
