my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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