i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
