rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
