Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
