I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
