How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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