I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
