the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
