So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
