I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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