Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize