She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
