I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
