I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
