Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize