you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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