Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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