I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
