I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
