textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
