hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
