i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
