I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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