I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
