I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
