You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize