Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
