So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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