Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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