Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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