I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
