why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
