Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
