I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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