We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
