Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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