He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
