hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She bit a glass in half.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
