So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
