I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize