my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
