her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
